


Universal Language

by orphan_account



Category: Megamind (2010)
Genre: F/M, It's not a romantic piece, but yeah, the relationship is established
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-05
Updated: 2016-12-05
Packaged: 2018-09-06 15:22:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8758255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: In which Megamind reveals to Roxanne that crop circles are just interstellar shitposts.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [setepenre_set](https://archiveofourown.org/users/setepenre_set/gifts).



       “This weekend? As in, _this weekend, tomorrow? What?”_

       Megamind cocked an ear, hands still working but mind now fully occupied with Roxanne’s half of the telephone call that had pulled her away from his shoulder. He heard a voice like rocks in a tumbler roll out from the other end of the line while he fitted the belt over the tensioner: Was that Dennis? No, Dennis had a warble in his voice- this man didn’t. It couldn’t be Karen but boy it was close. Greg? Naaaah- _eeeeeh_ \- maybe? Maybe.

        “Greg,” (Eeeeeey! Megamind grinned as he used his thumbs to guide a serpentine belt around an idler. Boy he was getting good at this) “I have plans this weekend. Why can’t you ask Yvan?”

       Oh, he didn’t like Yvan.

       “Okay well why can Yvan use the excuse that she has plans but I can’t!”

       Yeah, yeah that was exactly the reason why. Megamind toyed with the tensioner (Was this too loose? It felt too loose) as Roxanne ground out, “That is absolute and total garbage _and you know it_. That’s the _worst_ part about all this Greg, _you know it_. ”

       Oh wow. Megamind paused his ministrations to face her.  He must have had a look because she waved a hand and mouthed, ‘It’s nothing’. However, if living with Roxanne for the past several months had taught him anything, it was that when her eyebrows furrowed like that and her mouth curled just so, it was not nothing.

       Megamind turned back to his work quickly. He wanted no part of this carnage.

       “JUST-” (There it was, he called it) “BECAUSE I’M DATING AN 'EXTRA TERRESTRIAL' DOESN’T MEAN I KNOW SHIT ABOUT CROP CIRCLES.”

       “Waitwhat?”

       He looked back at Roxanne, watching her shush him as his hands removed themselves from the machine. Plucking a rag from the workbench, he wiped his fingers clean as Roxanne shouted into the phone, “I don’t give a FUCK what Randy thinks. _First off_ , it’s rude to assume, and _secondly_ , I scheduled this weekend off two months in advance!

       Wait, she scheduled off? That was news to him.

       (Ha, news, because she’s a reporter.)

       “I’m not working on some half-bit conspiracy theory story about a bunch of flattened grass out in bum-fuck nowhere!

       (He loved that phrase, ‘bum-fuck nowhere’. It was a combination of the all of his favorite letters AND a good portion of-)

       (….Wait.)

       “Have him just send you a picture of it,” Megamind whispered.

       Roxanne looked at him as though he had grown a second head.

       “No really, he insisted, grinning, (he couldn’t help it. Not with something like this, not when he could get a chance to toy with Roxanne’s editor) “Tell Greg I’ll help and you’ll have something for him in an hour, please.”

       It started slow, but there, at the corner of her mouth, Megamind was pleased to see the start of a knowing smirk. ‘What are you planning?’ she mouthed.

        “Just helping you with this article.”

       ‘You’re up to something.’

       “Am not- cross my heart and hope I don’t die.”

       ‘That’s not how it goes.’

       “But I _don’t want to die_. Come on, just ask for the picture.”

       Roxanne sighed, “Greg…Greg, listen- I’ll do the article, but I’m not traveling for it. Send me a- DO YOU WANT THIS DONE OR NOT? Then send me a picture of the thing and I’ll get back to you in a little bit, alright? Yeah no just text it to me. Yeah,” she laughed, “Yeah fuck you too. You owe me. Alright, see you Monday.”

       As she hung up, a giggle wormed its way up Megaminds’ throat.

       “I knew it! You are up to something!”

       “I’m really not, really, I promise. Did you get the-” her phone dinged, (Oh, she kept the tonal notification he found for her- nice), “Excellent. Okay, okay okay. Show me.”

       Roxanne handed him the phone, and all it took was one look before he was snickering again.

       “Megamind, what-?”

       “Paper. Pencil.”

       “Meg-”

       “Paperpencil!”

       “Jeeze, alright? Alright, just-,” she opened the drawer of his workbench and pulled out and old receipt and a thoroughly chewed pen. Flipping the receipt over, she looked at Megamind and gestured for him to continue.

       (Oh he had to do it this way, he had to.)

       He walked over and leaned his face in close to hers with great solemnity. For a split second, his features cracked, but Megamind pulled himself together before saying, with the utmost seriousness, “Penis Erectus Non Compos Mentis.”

       Roxanne blinked, face blank, then grabbed the phone to stare at the picture “It can’t say that.”

       Megamind beamed, cackles slipping out between his teeth as Roxanne’s face took on an incredulous look, “It can’t say that!”  

       “Well, it essentially does, so-”

       “Bullshit, whatever these circles and stuff may be, it does not say _in Latin_ , ‘A Stiff Prick Has No Conscience’.”

       (He loved it when her voice took on that tone, the one where he could tell she was trying not to laugh because she wasn’t sure if she believed him yet.)

       “Okay, it’s not Latin, but it is a dead language, so I found it fitting. Here- let me-,” Roxanne handed him back the phone, “Thank you. Look, ignore the circles, first off. That’s just there for decoration.”

       “But-”

       “See the squares on the inside here? That’s Oyxon, which is an ancient language from the Gliese 876 planetary system. Now, this square here doesn’t actually say ‘penis’ but it is referencing the male genitalia of the species known as Udom. The closest equivalent to all of this in English is then-”

       “Penis Erectus Non Compos Mentis,” Roxanne muttered, “So you’re telling me that some flyby decided to stop and write _this_ in huge, dead print all over a wheat field _just because_?”

       “Basically.”

       “… _God fuck_.”

       (Was that amusement or aggravation? No, no there she goes. She’s laughing. All’s good)

       Writing down the translation on the receipt, she spoke over her shoulder, “Do another one.”

       “You have to write the article now.”

       “You can’t just tell me that crop circles are dick jokes just to turn around and expect me to be a responsible adult!”

        “They’re not all concerning genitalia-related humor and you told Greg you’d get the article to him in the hour. We had our fun, you know the truth, now-”

       Roxanne looked positively evil as she set the pencil down and closed the distance between them (He’d make a queen of her yet), “Oh, I’m getting him that article. I’m getting him a huge in-depth piece on interstellar shitposts and he’s going to damn well take it. However,” she leaned in, fingers walking up his chest as she enunciated, “I will need your assistance.”

       Megamind wanted to laugh, but found himself breathless,“I can try, but you have to understand Roxanne, I don’t know everything-”

       “Yeah, but you know how to figure out and find everything, which is why you’re so brilliant.”

       (Wow her hand felt so nice there.)

       He must have made a face, because the next word out of Roxanne’s mouth was “Excellent.” She moved to stand beside Megamind while she typed into her phone and, positioning herself at his shoulder, held up a Google image search.

       Megamind snickered, pulling the phone closer, “This whole search looks like that one bathroom in DC.”

       “Oh god, really?”

       “Yeah.” He gestured to some of them, then tapped one, “This one’s even political.”

       “What’s it say?”

       “Um, Well it’s- I can’t speak this language but I can read it. Whoever wrote this was from the 61 Virginis system,” he coughed, leaning closer, “Essentially it’s telling a dictator to suck their… yeah I can’t pronounce that.”

       Roxanne laughed (It felt so nice when she squeezed his shoulder like that),“Can you describe it for me?”

       Megamind turned his head to be met with Roxanne’s bright stare, “… You sound very excited to hear about other intelligent species genitalia. Is there something you’re not telling me?”  

       He got a playful smack to the shoulder for that one, “No! I’m just curious! If we’re reading interstellar genital humor, I might as well know what the genitalia looks like!”

       “Ah,” Megamind pursed his lips, eyes trained on the phone, “…clams.”

       “…You mean _like_ clams?”

       “No, I completely mean clams, shell and all. Well- okay, more like a _muscle_ really. It’s really cool actually- the whole ensemble is retractable.” He gestured towards the door of the garage, “I have a textbook with pictures, if you’d like to see.” (More like illegal printouts of texts but she didn’t need to know that. (Nobody takes Earth money.))

       “…I would, but later. Read another one.”

       “Don’t you need to write this down?”

       “Nah, so long as I can still find the pictures, I think I’ll be good.”

       He shrugged, “If you say so. How about you pick the next one?”

       “Right,” Roxanne reached over and scrolled, “Oh this one’s pretty!”

       “That’s Yimyarna, from the Nu2 Lupi system. I can read that if you- perfect, thank you. Um,” Megamind squinted, “ Ssssso the writer of this one wanted to let someone by the name of-” he made a series of high pitched whistling tones, “that their mother is excellent at…” He squinted, mouthing silently as his eyes roamed the picture, “Am I reading this wrong? I don’t understand what are they ta- _OOOoooh_.  Okay.”

       “What?”

       “The Irniqui have a lot of mating rituals, one of them being-” Megamind chuckled, looking away from the phone and Roxanne (he couldn’t explain this while maintaining eye contact, no way) “posterior stimulation. There are several different steps to the whole thing though.”

       “So our graffitist is saying that this person’s mom took it up the ass?”

       “More like she _gave_ it to the graffitist up the ass, but that’s by Earth standards. Honestly though, it’s more like, um, well supposedly it starts with pinching and then moves up to general grabbing and eventually biting but I’ve never really seen the ap-” Megamind gave a yelp and nearly dropped the phone.

       “So pinching like that?”

       “...Alright, maybe I _do_ see the appeal.”

       He didn’t have to look at her to know she was grinning from ear to ear (Totally evil. She was _totally evil_ )

        Megamind huffed, “Are you going to pick another one or are you just going to harass me and my good nature.”

       “Both,” Roxanne hummed, kissing his shoulder (now see, he didn’t have to debate whether or not he liked that), “What’s this one say?”

       “It doesn’t say anything, it’s just a picture of a boob.”

       “What? No!”

       “Yup.”

       “That looks nothing like any boob I’ve ever seen.”

       Megamind looked at her, “Have you seen a lot?”

       “Listen-”

       “Oh?”

       “ _Listen-_ ”

       “ _ooooOOOOH?_ ”

       “Don’t mock me and who I give my affections too!”

       Megamind laughed, “I was just heckling you, but now I’m curious. You never told me you had a girlfriend.”

       “There’s nothing really to tell,” Roxanne huffed, “I dated two different women in college. Turned out both of them were that kind of person that didn’t like being board or single, so…”

       “…What do you say we track them down and-”

       “ _Megamind!_ ”

       “- _And dress up really nice and go out to dinner and make sure we run into them so I can brag about how lovely you are._ ”

       “…Wow, that’s wicked, even for you.”

       “Yeah well,” he pecked her temple, “…yeah. We can even make a weekend of it if you wanted to.”

       Roxanne rubbed his upper arm with her thumb (That was never _not_ going to cause his entire internal system to erupt with butterflies), “But seriously, how is that a boob?”

       “Irniqui essentially have litters rather than singular offspring, averaging at around five infants. Well, it’s more like five and change, but you can’t birth body parts,” He laughed, she didn’t, “Ah, anyway, as such, all Irniqui have developed breasts. There are two, situated like humans, but larger and with three nipples a piece. Outside of the innermost circle and these three large dots, everything is tatoos. It’s a customary coming of age tradition,” Megamind tapped the side of the phone, turning to Roxanne, “On an interesting side note, the milk produced closely resembles almond milk in chemistry.

       “So our culprit just drew a giant tit.”  

       “Essentially.”

       Roxanne laughed, “I’m sorry- you probably think I’m nuts, but this is absolutely wild.”

       “I admit, it’s a little weird you want to keep reading all of these. I mean,” He gestured at the google page, lined with picture after picture of foul language and sexual references, “I always think they’re funny, but it’s more people’s reactions to them than anything else.”

       “That’s what’s got me hooked though. People for ages have looked at these things as signs of intelligent life trying to reach out and contact us. We thought interstellar species were trying to teach us the magic of the universe. We thought ‘holy shit, we’re not alone’… Or that, you know, some dude with a small lawn mower decided to be a dick,” She laughed again, “Looks like it’s just a combination of both.”

       “How do you mean?”

       “Well, we’re not alone in the universe. There is intelligent life out in space… Don’t look at me like that. I know _you_ exist, and _Wade_ , but I had only ever known the two of you. Now here we are and you’re telling me about whole other species with different languages living in far out planetary systems, orbiting distant stars, people with cultures and languages I can’t even imagine. You and Wade were raised here, maybe that’s why it never struck me-”

       “That the universe is as huge as it is?”

       “…Yeah… and that,” Roxanne chuckled, “and that no matter the distance or the species, everyone likes dick jokes.”

       “Well, it’s a universal type of humor. _AH!_ Hey!”

       “That pun was disgusting and you know it.”

       “I do. I thought of it earlier, but wondered if the pain of your disapproval would even be worth me telling you.”

       “It’s not. If you ever say another, I’ll pinch you again.”

       “That might not be wise. I may come up with more just to make you do it.”

       Roxanne chuckled, lips against his shoulder and eyes boring into his (oh jeeze, she has that look), “Is that so?”

       “You have an article to finish, Ms. Ritchi.”

       “Oo, dragging out the titles again.”

       Megamind kissed her forehead, letting his lips rest there as he muttered, “Don’t make this difficult for me, please.”

       Roxanne outright laughed at that, “Right, right, okay. This won’t take long though, so you better finish up whatever you’re doing fast.”

       “Mm, I’ll do my best.”

       She left him then, taking her phone back and slipping from his side before rushing off. It was moments like this Megamind realized just how… _nice_ everything was now.  

       He let his eyes wander around the space, allowing them to land at last on the giant computer in the corner of the room. Within it, there was a folder, in a folder, in a folder, in a folder. None of the names were clandestine, no (he couldn’t bring himself to ever outright lie about it), it was more just… hidden by omission.

       Maps.

       Alphabets.

       Huge image files of languages written in glyphs, of foreign planetary orbital systems, of pixelated pictures containing the visage of distant stars.

       It was strange to think he had been lonely once.

       Megamind laced his fingers together and looked at the palms of his hands, studying the lines that ran across. They looked like stitches, connecting the different pieces of his skin together to make one complete thing. Before, he had felt like a mishmash of lost bits, but love does funny things to a person.

       (That was another thing, honestly.)

       To go from such a strong feeling of isolation to one of knowing what love felt like, to know what the reciprocation of love felt like- it was overwhelming. It was like the day he found that collection of M’ega poems while perusing a historical literature site of an Andromeda planet. He felt…

       (Outside of his body and inside of his body, so wrapped up in a thing he could not see.)

       But happier.

       A lot happier.

       Megamind smiled.

 

**Author's Note:**

> For Set, because they're lovely.


End file.
